I found a new blog last week 'The Liberal Mormon that Could'. I probably spent almost 3 hours that first day reading through her stuff. She's a little younger than me, by a couple of years, but has many of the same questions and thoughts about Mormonism that I have - only she is far more eloquent in conveying those thoughts than I am. This morning she had a new blog entry posted, entitled 'Last Post'.
I'm likely going to butcher this, but if I could summarize her thoughts. Actually, let me just quote her, in identifying the problem... "the Church and my disaffection with it has become too central to my life. It dominates conversation and has shoved every other interesting part about me out." It's not that she hates the Church and wants to bring it down, but at the same time, she's not 100% committed to it either.
Anytime you are involved in something like the LDS Church, and you start to see things you don't like, you walk a fine line.
In the Matrix, there is a quote by Morpheus that I really like. After Neo has been pulled from the Matrix, Morpheus offers him a choice.
This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.
Four or Five years ago, when I started to see that things weren't what I thought they were, I had the same choice. I could ignore what I had found and plunge myself back into the blind obedience and faithful devotion that had been my life for the preceeding twenty something years, or I could take the red pill.
I chose the red pill. When faced with a choice, I prefer to take the option that opens up further options, rather than one which limits me. So it is with the Red Pill. I'm facing some new options...
- I can stay within the organization and try and effect the changes I think need to happen.
- I can leave the organization and effect change from the outside
I've been trying option 1 over 2. I worry that 2 would cause me to be labeled and apostate and shunned by community, neighbors and family, which ironically has pretty much happened as I have tried option 1. My worry with 2 as well is that I would degenerate into a bitter man, sworn to destroy anything good in the world - much of this is due to being consistently told by the organization that this is what would become of me, should I choose to leave.
After reading the comments in the 'Last Post', I realize I have another option...
Why waste my time with an organization that treats me like crap? It has a lot of good, but all to often that gets twisted and perverted to help corrupt men get what they want.
I realized this morning that I have far too much going on in my life to worry about this kind of thing.
I have 5 absolutely incredible children. I work far too many hours in order to support them, and they could really do with more of my time - rather than me spending it trying to change the culture in an organization that quite frankly, is what it is, and isn't likely to change.
I have an incredible wife who could really use more of my time and support as well.
I live in a great place with many outdoor opportunities, many of which I could share with my wife and children.
There is a whole lot more available for me to experience, and significant opportunities to make a difference in the world, that doesn't involve me being involved in trying to affect change in a corrupt organization.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not going to allow something stupid and relatively insignificant to consume my time.
As a kid I remember being told that Satan would only have as much power over me as I would let him have, and so it is with this. I have allowed something to consume my life, when it really doesn't deserve my time or attention.
Some of you may also be aware of some personal challenges I have faced recently as well. To those who have shared their love and support, I am profoundly grateful. It's another aspect of my life, I've come to realize is not worth my time or attention.
I have far too much good to do, noble responsibilities to take care of and wonderfulness to experience to waste my time with stuff which in the grand scheme of things is of little or no consequence.