Monday, February 09, 2009


So Mrs. Koda and I have been going to marriage counseling. Now I know what you might be thinking, but that's not why! A friend of mine is working on a degree which deals with marriage counseling and needed a couple to volunteer to undergo some sessions.

It was actually an excellent experience, and one that I would highly recommend to any couple, no matter how good you think you have it. After the first session I was just blown away by how good I really have it, and how well my wife and I communicate.

Apparently for a marriage or any relationship to be successful you need to have a ratio of at or above 4 positive comments to every 1 negative comments. One of the exercises was to figure out what our ratio was... We're not really sure. We think it may be up around 40:1, but the 1 negative we had during the week was actually more of a positive, or at least it turned out that way after it was brought up.

I bring this up because I've had other interactions lately which have not been so positive. Here are some things I've learned over the years about communication and relationships.

  • If you look for and expect the worst in the other person, you'll find it. Even if it isn't really there, you'll still find it.

  • If someone disagrees with you, it's OK. It doesn't mean they hate you, despise you, or think less of you in any way. Actually I almost prefer talking with someone who differs in opinion. It gives me more of a chance to learn and grow.

  • If for any reason you have a disagreement with someone, trying to discuss it using the "You Suck, you're awful, you are the worst person in the world because in the past you did, A, B and C, now lets talk" method is generally not the best approach to resolve problems.

  • It's OK to make mistakes. We all make them everyday - Me probably more than most. You can either learn from them, or dwell on them. Denying that such mistakes ever happened though, doesn't mean they didn't happen, and is more just an indicator of your true character.


  1. I like your points. But counseling, nope, I can't stand all that touchy-feely stuff. Lucky for, nor can Mr Brown. And so we get on without it ;)

  2. I'm not too much of a touchy feely guy myself, and it wasn't actually too bad. More just helpful tips on communicating and that kind of thing. I don't actually think we learnt anything new or groundbreaking, but it was helpful to have be more conscious of how we interact.

    Ultimately we figured out that our kids take a significant amount of our time. We love them and wouldn't trade them for the world, but show me someone who says kids make a marriage stronger, and I'll show you someone who has never had offspring!

  3. Well done Urban Koda and Mrs. UK. We need more relationships like yours in the world.

  4. That's cool. It might be fun.

    Until I start to hear my wife complain about me to the doctor. Then it would not be so fun.

  5. LOL Gats!!

    Actually, this guys was really good about making sure that the subject of any conversation stayed the issue, not the other person.

    He kind of lucked out as well. Some of the other guys in his class ended up with people arguing, fighting and learning all kinds of things about extended family members that they would rather not have known...

    I'm going to have to blog about the ChaChing and WaWaa thing as well!!